I'm always asking myself questions. What is my purpose in life? What do I want? Why is my body hurting? This latter question is one that has been heavily on my mind as of late.
My body is hurting in a very debilitating way and I don't know exactly why. Maybe it's because I took a fall a few weeks back, but honestly I've been hurting longer than that. Maybe this physical pain is caused from some emotional trauma that I'm resistant to address. Or maybe it's occurring because I'm eating the wrong foods. Or maybe I'm not sitting correctly at my desk at work. Or maybe it's that old auto-immune flare up.
The truth is that I just don't have the ultimate answer to this problem, and even if I did find the answer then it would probably lead to 5 more questions. But I do have some suspicions.
A few years ago I wished for clarity on life and what I needed. That was the year that my life descended into chaos and darkness. It was rough, but in that darkness I did indeed gain some clarity. I saw the light, so to speak, about what was important to me. I also realized that I needed to be more specific about what I wished for and how I wanted to receive it next time.
Fast forward to late 2018 when I started receiving hints about what the upcoming themes of the new year were going to be for me. One of the things that I was going to learn about in 2019 was faith.
I started going to church in December 2018 because I became curious after a very liberal friend told me he loved going to church. I had to see just what kind of church he was raving about. Church is where you learn about faith after all, right? Well yes, kind of.
Church is a place to practice your spirituality in a constant and organized way. Yeah, yeah I know. Organized religion is the devil, blah blah blah. I harped on that for years myself. But then I realized that I needed some sort of constant spiritual practice because a spiritual practice teaches you how to communicate and listen to God. It helps lift you up in your times of darkness and offers you a community. I'm proud to say that after many years of not having a church that has resonated with who I am that I have finally found one that I feel comfortable with.
This morning as I lay in bed with my aching neck, head, back and shoulders I began to pray. "God, I don't know what is causing this pain but if you can take it away then I would be very appreciative. Or please reveal to me what is the cause of this pain and I'll get it fixed. Or you could send me a sign or something." I don't know what supreme beings think but I can't help but feel that they appreciate options.
It was after the prayer that I came to a realization. That was faith. I asked a question and now I was expecting to get an answer. It may take a few days or a few weeks but I was expecting the answer to come. It may not come in the form of a burning bush or from a visit from Gabriel, but I will be on the lookout for the signs. I will get to the bottom of this, just not alone. That's faith. Knowing that it will work out. All will be revealed in due time. Who knows, maybe my body pain is here as one way to teach me faith.
I'm also learning that faith is not just about believing in the power of a higher being either. In my baby book my mom wrote that I was very independent. "I can do it by myself," was one of the things I said over and over when I was a child. I wanted to try to figure out everything by myself sometimes. That's a good quality to have as an individual until doing everything by yourself becomes such a miserable and overwhelming burden that you can no longer function properly.
I can't do everything myself. I can't solve my or the world's issues without reaching out to others. It's taken me 30 some years to realize this but I have finally arrived. Ask for and receive help as needed. Phone a friend. Call a doctor. Pray. Get a therapist. Get a trainer. Call in sick. Ask for an assistant. Then have the faith that everything is going to work out because it just makes life easier.