Lately I've been wondering about the driving force behind my being. What viewpoints are actually mine and what have I inherited from my parents and society? Are my wants really mine or have they been handed down from generation to generation and influenced by those around me?
I look at my friend Jenny, 35, who will soon depart her earthly body. She's worked at a bar, she's a yoga instructor, she's a lead singer-songwriter in a band that's premiering on Billboard (today actually) and she's always had a strong opinion. Jenny has always, since I've known her, lived life on her own terms. Doctors told her she was going to die years ago but she didn't believe that. She operated from her own truth, fired those doctors and extended her life for another 2 years.
Life is short already and it can certainly be made much shorter by disease and accident. How much have I been taking it for granted? A lot. Most weeks I wish Monday-Thursday away so I can get to Friday because I'm living from a place that doesn't feel like my own. I think of Jenny and know that she would kill to have more time, and here I am wishing mine away. That is certainly not how I want to live my life. And why am I doing it? Do I not like what I'm doing here on planet earth at the moment? Society says my job is cool and that my path is noble. But what about my genuine wants and thoughts? The sheer fact that I'm wishing days away means that something is rotten in the state of my desires.
So for now I'm living in search of my truths, and not just me as an individual but the BIG Self deep inside, and where I truly fit in society. I'm questioning every want and viewpoint that I've ever had up to this point as genuine or inherited. Do I really want this type of job? Do I really want to live in Los Angeles? Is marriage as an institution really for me? Or are these wants and concepts just something I was told to want?
I still don't know the answer to some of these questions, but as I filter through each one of them seeking my highest truth, I am starting to uncover a new life for myself emerging. A life with a higher purpose that I live on my own terms.