|artwork by Freija Greenhill|
Words, once they are said, cannot be taken back. We can clarify them and expand on our intentions of what we meant, but it's the interpreter of the words, the person that we directed those words towards that gets to decide how those words are received.
One of the biggest mistakes that I've made on more than one occasion is to speak my clouded thoughts aloud before they are fully formed or before I fully understand them. This was the case recently with a friend whom I really care about. In a moment of confusion, on my part, I became emotional and said some things that I now regret.
Regret is a powerful feeling. It makes me fantasize and wish with all my might that the past can be undone. But once I realize that changing the past is impossible I become angry because sadness is just too much to bear. Anger is cleaner and seems easier so I turn to it with open arms. But anger comes with a price of it's own- the need to blame something- so I blame myself. Ultimately I'm left with feelings of self hatred, shame and sadness that weigh on me like toxins to the soul. Forgiveness is the only known antidote.
So for now I have only been able to speak to my friend and clarify my words with more words. While I am grateful for having had the opportunity to do that, I still don't feel at ease. Will my friend be able to see past my human flaws and forgive me? And, more importantly, will I be able to forgive myself? These are just a few of the omnipresent questions that only time will be able to give me the answers to. The wait is going to be tough, but I'm hopeful.